Our focus this month will be on family members of those with cancer, particularly those living some distance from their loved one with cancer. In our mobile society, more and more families are spread widely around the country, or even the world. Relationships are maintained through long distance communication (phone, mail, e-mail) and through infrequent visits. Even without the stress of illness, this creates quite a challenge to nurturing and furthering relationships. Adding a cancer diagnosis to the equation immeasurably increases the complexity of these challenges.

Getting the Facts From A Distance
The family member at a distance (often a son or daughter) may face numerous issues and emotions. Simply getting information, such as finding out the facts about the illness and treatment options, can be difficult. It can be very difficult to reach busy medical professionals, so information is often received second-hand from the person with cancer or another relative. This can raise questions and concerns about the reliability of the information.

A common scenario is receiving sketchy information. What does this mean? Has my loved one received inadequate information? Or have they received full information and or either unable or unwilling to communicate it? What should I do?

Any advice on handling this situation must begin with an acknowledgement that at least some of the feelings of helplessness are inevitable. No matter what you do, you cannot take away your loved one's illness. It is not going to easily disappear, and you cannot fix it. Paradoxically, knowing and accepting this can be helpful. You will be able to move on to achievable goals and work out a realistic goal for yourself.

You Need Support Too
What you can do is find information and support for yourself. Educating yourself about your loved one's cancer is valuable for many. Libraries, your own physician, and Internet sites (including this one) can be sources for your own education. Support, particularly in a group format, is widely available and immensely helpful for many people. Most hospitals, cancer treatment centers, or American Cancer Society chapters have information on local support groups for family members of those with cancer. Most groups would be happy to have you, even if the person with cancer is not being treated at the same facility.

Sharing With Others Can Help
Sharing with others going through similar situations can be helpful in a variety of ways: letting you know you are not alone in what you are facing, providing concrete advice and information, and providing a forum to work out the complexities of helping a family member with cancer. Some words of advice:

1. Consider, if possible, travel to see your loved one. A visit to their treatment facility and perhaps meeting some of the health professionals face to face can help you see the realities of their particular situation.

2. Inquire about available support for your loved one. Hopefully friends, other relatives, church or community organizations can help meet some of the needs you cannot.

3. Understand that your loved one may not approach the illness the same way you would. This can be frustrating, but ultimately treatment decisions are up to them.

4. Don't neglect your own health and well being. The better you are, the better a long distance support person you can be.

Be well.