I have a friend who’s husband left her shortly after she was diagnosed with breast cancer. The marriage was rocky anyway so it wasn’t her sickness but just bad timing. It was very hard for her and she still gets teary when she talks about not having anyone in the house when she was going through chemotherapy, especially. After her experience I am having some fear myself about what would happen if I got seriously ill and was alone.

In several previous columns I have responded to questions about support from friends, relatives, and significant others. This month I would like to focus on living with cancer and cancer treatment when one is alone, that is without a partner or significant other. Certainly, not having a specific "automatic" support person raises a number of concerns and fears. Still, it is possible to find support, manage treatment, and live life as fully as possible, even alone, whether singe, divorced, or widowed.

Being alone in modern society is, in many ways, difficult. There is a social stigma attached to being unmarried and may feel they are expected to be in a relationship. Support during crises, be they medical or other crises, can come from a number of sources, but much is expected from a spouse or significant other (obvious even when a significant other is part of the picture, their availability, interest, and ability to support varies greatly between individuals, but that is the topic for another column). When no significant other is present, it may not be clear who can and should play major support roles. Setting up an effective support system involves assessing your existing support people, finding new support, feeling that you deserve support, and actually asking for help.

Accessing Existing Support

Chances are that there are a number of people in your life already. Friends, relatives, neighbors, co-workers, and church members all have played varying roles in your life up to this point. Now you need to find out which of these people is available to help and what kind of help each can give. Some may be more appropriate for concrete support, such as transportation or meal preparation. Others are able to be emotionally supportive. It may take time, discussion, and even trying things out to find appropriate roles. Be patient with yourself and with others as you work through these issues.

Finding New Support

For many people finding additional cancer-related support can supplement what friends and relatives can do. No one can understand as well what you are going through as others going through similar issues. Support groups can be valuable resources for many. Professional emotional support with a counselor, social worker, psychologist or psychiatrist can be very helpful, simply to talk through, with an experienced objective listener, all that you face. Concrete support is also available, check with your Cancer Center or local American Cancer Society chapter.

Deserving Support

This is often a sticking point for those who are alone. Low self-esteem or depression can lead people to feel that they do not deserve help and support from those around them. Ask yourself if you fit into this category and, if so, push yourself to address it. You do deserve support and help, and it is available.

Asking For Support

Even if you feel deserving, asking can often be difficult. You may be more used to being the person helping, rather than the person being helped. It is important to remind yourself that others often want desperately to help, to do something to ease your burden in this difficult situation. Many who have worked through their reluctance to ask others find that, when they do, they are surprised by the positive response they get.

Cancer is scary, but you do not need to go through it alone. Help, in many forms, is available and possible. Having the opportunity to share your load with others and accept their kindness can be part of the good, the silver lining, in an otherwise terribly difficult life event.

Be Well.