 A GUIDE FOR FAMILY & FRIENDS OF CANCER PATIENTS Excerpted from "Alpha Book On Cancer and Living" Cancer is a family illness. It involves the whole family; dealing with cancer means meeting the physical and emotional needs not just of the patient but of the other family members as well. How the Family Can Learn To Cope Think of the family as part of the health care team. Discuss who can take on various responsibilities and how each person can help the others out. For example:
Negotiate to see who does what, how to share, and how to take turns. It may help to have each family member keep a diary of his or her daily routine for a week or so. Then have the whole family sit down together to coordinate everyone's new schedule and assign tasks. Write down all of the tasks on a calendar. That way each person knows when he or she is scheduled to do what. A Plan of Action It's useful to have a plan of action. This plan might list the family's general goals - solving practical problems, using time effectively, dealing with medical professionals, managing expenses, dealing with emotions and so forth. Schedule regular family meetings and suggest agendas. Who participates, who acts as leader or co-leaders, depends on your group. If the idea of a formal meeting is threatening to members of your family, try to find a way to keep the lines of communication open in a more informal way, over dinner or a cup of coffee. Expressing Emotions Family meetings are an excellent place to express emotions and concerns. If this does happen naturally as you discuss practical problems, try to encourage family members to describe what they've been feeling. This may be awkward at first so you can encourage others by bringing up your own anxieties or concerns first. Then ask if anyone else has been feeling the same way. Be prepared to deal with strong emotions. Anger and guilt have a way of surfacing when they are least expected. Watch for signs that another person is getting ready to discuss his or her feelings; try to be open and accepting, not judgmental. Getting Outside or Professional Help If your family is not ready to express emotions, or you feel the need for support, a cancer support group might help. There are support groups that welcome or are specifically for family members. In a cancer support group you are likely to meet other families who are going through experiences similar to yours. You can learn to talk openly about your mutual concerns. The leaders of these groups understand your special problems and are trained to help you deal with them. To find the nearest support group nearest you, call your local office of the American Cancer Society (www site?), or Wellness Community (California). There are limits to what you can accomplish through a support group. If family members can't deal with their emotions - if they seem to be suppressing them, or if the problems persist or become debilitating - it may be time to consult professional help. Your cancer center may have a psychotherapist or social workers who are specially trained to work with cancer patients and their families. Counselling of the patient, the family, or individual family members may ease tensions and maintain perspective. Helping Children to Cope Children can usually adapt to cancer in the family as long as you tell them what is going on. However, if you keep them in the dark, they tend to worry. They also tend to jump to the wrong conclusions. If you don't talk about it, you may give them the idea that it is wrong to talk about certain subjects. This leads them to bury their fears, making the fears stronger and harder to deal with. Added attention and extra care to see that their daily routine is disrupted as little as possible will help to keep children from feeling too frightened by seeing mother ill in bed or big brother suddenly looking different. It can also be comforting for them too see that these things don't frighten you. Children usually play a role in the family reorganization and this role depends on the family. Some families encourage their children, especially the older ones, to help in the decision making. This makes them feel important and involved. Or you may feel it is best to simply assign them specific tasks to help them focus their attention and keep them from worrying too much. Children's reactions to cancer in the family may be withdrawal, acting up, or becoming depressed. Usually these reactions are short-lived. If they persist for several weeks, you should probably seek professional help. Caretaker: Take Care of Yourself Burnout can happen to the person taking care of a cancer patient. If you are the primary caretaker of a cancer patient take care not to neglect, sacrifice or rationalize away your own needs. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It is vital. You can be far more effective if you take time off to maintain your strength and peace of mind. Here are some important questions to ask yourself:
If you answer yes to any of these questions, you certainly could use help. This is true even if you are used to doing everything for yourself, and even if you feel uncomfortable asking for support. We strongly urge you to ask for it anyway. For Family and Friends: How to Talk with the Patient Here are some important tips:
A Special Note To Friends: If you choose to support your friend with cancer you are giving a real gift to a person you care about. And you are showing your friend that life can go on, that people still care and want to continue your relationship with them. When you visit the patient, don't worry about what to say: being there is what matters. In addition to the suggestions for family members listed above, here are a few tips:
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